I know you’ll never see this. You won’t check, no matter what choice I make in the future. I’m okay with that though. It’s better that you’re safe and happy from me and my choices. I never meant to hurt you, ever. I hope you know that. I never planned on trying to cheat. In fact, when we got together I only planned on staying a few more weeks. Things inside me are broken. My mind is wired wrong and I didn’t want to see what I would turn into. But when I got your call I couldn’t say no. Not to my love. I had to let you know how I felt. I didn’t want to be without you. I never have since we started talking. It wasn’t my choice, it was how it had to be. We were good. We were in love but I lost myself. I became selfish. My thoughts weren’t my own but I was too weak to fight it. I was scared what I was missing. Weak willed, I tried to cheat. It started out as a game but I didn’t think of the pain it would cause you. I don’t know if I’d gone through with it. I hope not. But it was too late. Suddenly i wasn’t just running from my fear of missing out, but also my guilt. How could I have even thought of it? Why would I even want to? I had everything I needed in my arms for usually atleast two beautiful nights per week. It wasn’t perfect, we never were. But you were all I needed and should have wanted. But I was selfish, greedy, horny. Those thoughts scared me into running from you. I regret it so much. I regret hurting you, losing you, being me. I wish I could go back. Stop going down that path. Maybe even not have answered the call in the first place. The world would be better. No one can argue that. I’m not worth this world’s space. I use to belong here. I was good. But I lost that in my fight to live.To ‘protect’ those I cared about I hurt them. I did what I thought I had to to survive. I was a misguided weapon of subtle destruction. I wish I could leave. My anger and guilt grow. More and more of Alex withers like the petals of a rose. Once i was a slightly dangerous good, now I’m just the thorns. One day I will end it. It’s why I’ve never untied the noose from that night. No one car escape the hangman’s noose I guess. I must be punished for my crimes and so far penance had only lead to others pain. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for all of my choices. I wish you’d never met me. I’d rather have lived in my pain alone than had you share even the tiniest part of it. I hope he treats you as you deserve. He’ll regret it if he doesn’t.
It has been over a year since I’ve made this post now, and I swear every single fucking day I get notifications out the ass with you shits reblogging it. Let it die.
